heart shaped like an oak tree

angry as if their is a hole in bottom of my heart and every emotion is like a rock that just drops through like a hole in a well. I cannot describe this numb over bearing feeling of not caring about anything, except obviously I care about something cause it bothers me enough to write about it. Death is scary to think how fast one person being gone can affect others, first hand we never realize how important time can be, and In that I question my place in life right now, what I'm doing and why. Why I'm here instead of somewhere else, why I can dream about somewhere everyday and still find reason to not be there. For life is about doing what we want all in right timing, but what is time, we never know when we're going to leave this crazy world. And much as I have made it a point most of my life to be able to say at the end of the night if I die in my sleep I'd die happy, it's not always that easy. Everyday I sit with the same fear, controlling my day...what if. What if I've said it a million times but in every single disection of every action of every day I think what if I did it differently. Sounds crazy, and yes at this point I'm beginning to think so, I have spent the past 2 hours looking for a stolen bike, and a lost cat. The bike yes very important seeing as to how it was my fathers birthday present, the cat also important because the owner of that cat wonders everyday like I, what if she would have been paying more attention, and how she'd never let her cat be an outside cat had she anticipated this happening. It is the fourteenth day the cat has been missing and although they know the cat is probably gone, they still come everyday and post a different flyer...I love hope and if everyday we had the hope that those people do about their cat, everyone would feel weightless or atleast a huge burden lifted because in hope we find everything will be ok,maybe not right away or anytime soon, but the fact that eventually it will makes a slight ease of mind seem like a huge piece.